The ending of an abusive relationship often results in intense feelings of loss for the survivor. Certain dynamics in these relationships can leave survivors suffering feelings similar to bereavement long after the relationship has ended. Leaving may have been a positive choice, but unless the losses and the accompanying period of sadness is anticipated, the survivor may feel confused as to why she feels so terrible when she’s left the man who was tormenting her so badly. It’s very important to understand the losses that come with the ending of an abusive and often intense relationship.
The survivor may have stayed in the relationship for years because she was reluctant to give up on the dream of happy family life. The intermittency of her partner’s abuse will have kept her hoping that things might improve. When she leaves, she may feel a deep sense of loss at having to face the reality that her fantasy of happy family life is finally dashed. She may feel she has invested years of her life in the relationship and when it ends, she will feel she has lost out on everything she has invested – her emotions, her finances, her time and her youth.
If the survivor shares children with her abuser, the loss of her dream family may be felt even more intensely. Women are often troubled with feelings of guilt, not only has she ‘pulled the plug’ on the dream of a family life for herself, she may worry about the impact this has on her children, too. Her perpetrator may add to her feelings of guilt, and so might her children who may have wanted the structure of a family life. Although she was aware of how abusive her relationship was, there may have been comfort in the public pretence of everything being okay – fooling herself and others so that she didn’t have to face up to the devastating reality of her life behind closed doors. Holding onto the fantasy that everything is okay might have shielded her from uncomfortable feelings and devastating sadness. When she leaves, there is no more pretence, but nowhere to hide either. The reality of her crushed dream is there for all to see including herself.
He may have been abusive, he may have made her deeply unhappy, but he was there and now he’s not and she may feel his loss intensely, like a deep open void in her life. She may have no one to replace him with. Isolation is a key feature in abusive relationships and this isolation often continues post-separation. Friendship dynamics change when the relationship is over. Mutual friends she once shared with her perpetrator may feel awkward around her, perhaps taking his side – ultimately some will be lost. If she feels alone, his loss may be felt even more keenly. If she had any feelings of love left for him, she may miss him even more badly. Abusive relationships with their intermittency of rewards and punishments are often characterised by feelings of intense love in survivors who may be trauma bonded to their perpetrators. If she leaves despite residual feelings for him, the pain of separation can feel overwhelming, even though she knew she needed to leave to save herself.
Loss of physical intimacy might be felt. Survivors sometimes crave intimacy from their perpetrators – this may be the only time that she felt wanted or appreciated by him. Despite it being an abusive relationship, having a physical human connection is a very basic human need. Unless she has moved on to a new partner, she may miss intimacy terribly once the relationship has ended. She may not tell many people this – who would understand?
The decision to leave may have rendered her a single parent overnight. She may have been able to rely on some degree of parental cooperation from her perpetrator when they were together, but on separation, he will commonly do everything in his power to insure that any spare time she may have hoped for will be scuppered. Lack of time to herself can lead to emotional and physical exhaustion. He may agree to have the children at times, but often on his terms and when he knows it won’t benefit her. He may insist on having just one child at a time, knowing she will always be left with at least one. Any hope of re-building her life and renewing social connections, even working may seem impossible when she has no freedom from the demands of motherhood.
Whatever her financial situation when in the relationship, if she shared finances with her perpetrator, it is likely her financial situation will be significantly impacted by separation. Few perpetrators can be relied upon to be honest when negotiating a financial settlement. If they shared a home, she will likely need to downsize, perhaps moving to another neighbourhood that’s not as nice and not as conveniently located to her work or her children’s schools. She may lose good neighbours that she’d known for years and be faced with the uncertainty of new neighbours. Her children may complain about their new economic circumstances, encouraging her to believe she has failed them. She may be considered petty minded to lament her changed living conditions – surely freedom from an abusive relationship is worth the downsize? However when there’s mould on the bedroom walls, the taps are leaking and she hears every movement from the flat next door, she may badly miss the comfortable home she once shared with her ex.
Sad days are inevitable post-separation. On these days, the survivor will feel her sacrifices deeply and might crave the life she’s walked away from. She may question her decision to leave. Feeling like this is normal, her old life might have been abusive but the life she has now is likely to be challenging, especially in the early days after leaving. Anticipating the ups and downs, the difficult emotions, the sadness and the painful losses is so necessary. When she anticipates life may be challenging for a while, she won’t be so floored when it is. When she understands that deep sadness often accompanies her new found freedom from abuse, she should find the hard days easier to deal with and feel more prepared for them when they come.
Although difficult emotions and feelings of loss are almost inevitable post-separation, much can be done to overcome them and take positive steps towards a happy and fulfilling new life that is free from abuse. Positive practices include –
- Acknowledging the losses
- Understanding that feeling these losses is normal
- Developing self-care practices to help through difficult times
- Journalling to allow insights into feelings and emotions
- Spending time processing thoughts and emotions
- Talking to trusted friends who will listen without judgment
- Talking to a counsellor or therapist who understands domestic abuse
Another vital step in her recovery is to properly understand the abuse she has been subjected to so that she doesn’t see her perpetrator through the haze of rose tinted spectacles or worry that the collapse of their relationship was her fault. Understanding the dynamics of abuse can be truly liberating for many women. Realising that his behaviour fits into common patterns of abuse should help her to know that she is better off without him and the life she had with him. Attending group courses such as The Survivors Programme can be helpful. This group domestic abuse programme is based on the coursebook One in Four Women – https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739647912
For more information on the Survivors Programme, either to attend it or train to facilitate it, please email Sandra at emquiries@broxtowewp.org for more information.
Eleanor’s Story
“I had a constant and very deep emptiness in my stomach in the months after leaving him. I felt very alone – more alone than I’d ever been when I was with him. I didn’t feel I could admit this to anyone but I regularly questioned my decision to leave. He was an overwhelming presence in my life. He called the shots, he made the decisions, he was unpleasant and unkind much of the time, but he was always there, reliably and dependently there. And sometimes, just occasionally, he was lovely and I thought it could work – I so badly wanted it to work.
“We had a beautiful home, I invested in that house. It wasn’t a happy home but for so long I clung on to the hope that it might be. I decorated every room imagining this may lift his mood. I filled the big hole he’d punched in the plaster – hoping this would erase my memory of that day. Ultimately, living in a beautiful but unhappy home and with him was not enough – and so I left, and when I did my dream of things working out for us were crushed.
“No-one prepared me for the difficult and mixed emotions that I felt once I’d left. I was totally naive in imagining everything would be better. I didn’t feel I was normal when I felt myself craving his presence – remembering that he could be nice, sometimes. I wouldn’t have dared tell my friends this. How could they understand when I didn’t really understand myself because I knew he was a monster too. Even though it was a sad home, I missed the luxury and comfort that it gave me. I didn’t even have carpets when I first moved. I’d berate myself for being petty minded, these are just material things, I should be embracing my freedom, but on some days I found this difficult.
“Eighteen months later and I’m feeling more settled. It’s been a long slog to get to where I am now. I’ve been active in my recovery having sought support through a domestic abuse charity. I understand myself better now, I’m still on my own but I now feel comfortable with this situation rather than feeling like a part of me is missing. I understand his abuse with more clarity and know that his ‘kind’ moments were never sincere. I don’t miss him anymore. I have suffered losses, particularly financial, but I control my own life now, I’m no longer afraid, no longer desperately trying to please him and in the process doing nothing to please myself. Leaving was the best decision I ever made. I just wish I’d been more emotionally prepared.”
If you have found this blog helpful, please use the links below to find my books on Amazon.
One in Four Women – understanding men’s domestic abuse and violence against womenhttps://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739647912
Beyond the Break-up – understanding and surviving men’s domestic abuse and violence against women post-separation https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739647920
Published 26 October 2024