Are You Seeking His Validation?

I was desperate to do anything to prove to him I wasn’t the terrible mother he was accusing me of being.”

When someone accuses us of terrible things, it is natural to want to defend ourselves. We want to explain, justify, and persuade them that they have got it wrong. Even after separation, many survivors remain deeply affected by what their abuser thinks of them. They may go to great lengths to prove they are not selfish, lazy, neglectful, or dishonest. They may work tirelessly to demonstrate that they are devoted mothers, fair co-parents, and good people in the hope that their former partner will eventually change his opinion.

Although understandable, this is a damaging trap.

Attempts to win an abuser’s validation are almost always futile. The more energy a survivor invests in proving herself, the more power she gives him to judge, criticise, and control her. An abusive former partner is unlikely to offer fair assessments, genuine praise, or meaningful validation. Criticism, blame, and fault-finding are often part of the abuse itself.

Even when a survivor is no longer trying to change his opinion, she may still feel wounded by his accusations. As long as his judgement matters to her, he retains the ability to hurt her.

I notice that survivors are particularly vulnerable to seeking validation when they have not fully accepted the extent of the abuse. Many women assume their perpetrator shares their values. If they are honest, they expect honesty. If they are fair, they expect fairness. If they are empathetic, they assume he has some capacity for empathy too.

This can make it difficult to view the situation objectively. Survivors may continue searching for reasonableness, fairness, or understanding from someone who has repeatedly demonstrated that these qualities are absent. In doing so, they become vulnerable to self-blame and overly concerned about their perpetrator’s opinion of them.

Attacks on parenting ability can be especially painful. For many women, motherhood forms a central part of their identity. Perpetrators often understand this and deliberately target it. Accusations of being a bad or neglectful mother can feel devastating because they strike at something deeply valued.

It is therefore understandable that survivors feel compelled to defend themselves. They may work even harder to prove they are loving, devoted mothers, hoping their perpetrator will eventually recognise the truth.

Many survivors hold onto a belief that if they just keep trying, their former partner will eventually acknowledge their efforts. They hope he will realise he was wrong, admit they are a good mother, and finally offer the validation they have longed for.

There are two important messages I want to give.

Firstly, he is extremely unlikely to acknowledge your efforts. He almost certainly won’t.

Secondly, ask yourself whether it is appropriate to care what your abusive former partner thinks of you at all.

As long as his opinion matters, he retains the power to punish you. I regularly see this pattern in the women I support, and I also see the enormous relief they experience when they finally stop seeking validation from their perpetrator.

“I was the one who left. Martin had been controlling, verbally abusive, and impossible to please. However hard I tried, he always found fault with me. I felt terrible about ending the relationship when our son Harry was only two, but I knew I couldn’t continue living that way.

“I hoped we could become respectful co-parents. Instead, the abuse continued in more subtle ways. Every email contained criticism. If I asked him to have Harry while I celebrated my birthday, I was selfish. If Harry got scratched by the cat, I was neglectful. Whatever I did, it wasn’t enough.

“I constantly explained myself and tried harder to prove I was a good mother. Deep down, I believed that if I kept trying, Martin would eventually recognise my efforts and treat me differently.”

Women in this situation might ask themselves:

• Where should my validation come from — internally or externally?
• Is my former partner capable of validating me, or is he likely to continue withholding approval?
• What happens when he sees that his criticism upsets me?
• Am I feeding his need for control?
• What is actually within my control?
• How can I think differently about his opinions?
• What steps can I take to become less dependent on the judgement of others?

“It wasn’t easy to stop caring about Martin’s opinion. I’d spent years trying to win his approval. But once I recognised that he was still controlling me through my need for validation, everything changed.

“I no longer expect him to be fair or kind. I increasingly validate myself, and for the first time, that puts me in control.”

Once we stop caring about our perpetrator’s opinion, the balance of power shifts.

If his opinion matters, being called a “lazy bitch” hurts. If his opinion has become irrelevant, the insult loses much of its power.

This is why awareness of this dynamic is so important. If you notice yourself trying to please, appease, or impress your former partner, pause and ask why.

If your actions genuinely benefit the children, that is different. But if they are primarily an attempt to gain his approval, it may be time to let them go.

Breaking this habit takes practice, particularly if you spent years seeking his validation. But when survivors stop measuring themselves through their perpetrator’s eyes, they step off a soul-destroying cycle of trying harder and being continually hurt. The freedom that follows can be profound.

Are you still seeking validation from friends who question you?

Post-separation abuse can also damage friendships and family relationships. When a perpetrator spreads lies and recruits others to his version of events, survivors may find themselves desperately trying to defend their reputation.

If you constantly feel the need to justify yourself to people who should know you better, it is worth asking what you are hoping to achieve.

Occasionally explaining ourselves is reasonable. Continually defending ourselves is exhausting.

If certain people remain sceptical, judgemental, or hostile despite knowing us well, we may need to question whether they are truly supportive relationships. In some cases, the healthiest response is to stop explaining, stop defending, and stop seeking their validation altogether.

Internal validation is always more stable than external validation.

“Trying to defend myself to Sophie was exhausting. She seemed convinced by my ex-partner’s campaign against me. Her opinion mattered because she was my friend.

“One day she asked, ‘But why would he say you were having affairs if you weren’t?’

“That was the moment everything changed. I realised she was no longer on my side. I stopped trying to convince her and started protecting myself instead.”

“When you do not seek or need approval, you are at your most powerful.” (Myss, 2013)

For more information, please check out my website – www.domesticabuses.com

My books –

One in Four Women – understanding men’s domestic abuse and violence against womenhttps://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739647912

Beyond the Break-up – understanding and surviving men’s domestic abuse and violence against women post-separation https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739647920

Beyond Survival – how women rebuild their lives after domestic abuse and experience post-traumatic growth https://amzn.eu/d/0fEvVD8Z

Published 8 June 2026