The Losses of Leaving an Abusive Relationship

“Major life transformations tend to start with loss. Loss makes space for new possibilities.”

Ending an abusive relationship brings many different types of loss. These losses can leave us questioning our decisions, regretting what has happened, and feeling trapped in the past. When losses go unprocessed, they can prevent us from moving forward and accessing post-traumatic growth (PTG).

Some losses may seem surprising to those who do not understand domestic abuse, such as missing the person who harmed us. Others can feel difficult even to name, such as the loss of a home, financial security, or the life we once imagined. Yet every loss is real and valid. The cumulative effect can be profound.

It is also common to feel both loss and relief at the same time. These emotions are not contradictory; they often coexist. By acknowledging our losses, allowing ourselves to grieve, and eventually releasing them, we create space for healing and growth.

The following are common losses experienced after leaving an abusive relationship.

Economic loss

Economic abuse is common in domestic abuse. Perpetrators may create debt, sabotage employment, control finances, or leave us carrying the financial burden of the relationship. Separation itself can also bring significant costs through legal fees, reduced income, and the loss of a family home.

These losses are about more than money. They can affect our sense of security, status, and ability to provide for our children. While there are positive steps we can take to rebuild financially, some losses may remain. It is normal to grieve them. However, releasing regret about changed circumstances can help free us to move forward.

“Leaving meant walking away from the house, the holidays, and the financial comfort. For a while I couldn’t admit how much that hurt. But over time I realised that a smaller home and tighter budget came with something priceless: emotional safety and control over my own life.”

Loss of time with children

If we share children with our perpetrator, one of the most painful losses can be no longer having access to them whenever we want. Even when there are no concerns about their care, it can be devastating to spend less time with them than we ever imagined.

“Losing time with the children hurt me more than anything. I had always been the one who did everything for them. When they were gone, I felt emptiness and despair.

“Eventually I realised I hadn’t lost them; our arrangement was simply different. When they’re with me, I treasure our time together. When they’re not, I focus on my own life, goals and friendships.”

Loss of traditional family life

When children are involved, accepting the loss of the family life we hoped to build can be deeply painful. We may feel we have failed our children or abandoned a dream.

Processing this loss allows us to move towards acceptance and recognise that family can take many forms.

“I wasn’t just grieving a relationship; I was grieving the family life I thought I’d have. But the truth was that the family I dreamed of never really existed. Over time, I realised that family is something you create. What I have now may look different, but it is healthier and more real.”

Loss of our perpetrator

Many survivors struggle with the fact that they miss the perpetrator. This is entirely normal. We may miss the person, the good moments, the future they promised, or the sense of familiarity they provided. Trauma bonds and isolation can make this loss especially intense.

It is also common to wonder how they are coping or to feel concern for them long after the relationship ends. However, recovery requires gradually reducing their emotional significance in our lives.

“I didn’t love him anymore, and I didn’t even like him much of the time. But I still worried about him. What surprised me most was how much I missed his presence. He had filled so much space in my life, and suddenly there was a void.”

Loss of years

Many survivors grieve the years spent with a perpetrator. We may feel sadness, bitterness, or anger about time lost to survival rather than living fully. We may question whether the perpetrator ever truly loved us, which can deepen the sense of loss.

These feelings are understandable. Grieving lost years is often an important part of healing.

“I spent years resenting all that wasted time. Those years can never be returned to me. I still think about them sometimes, but my life has moved on and I’ve learned to let go.”

Loss of friendships

Leaving an abusive relationship can also mean losing friendships. Some people may side with the perpetrator, struggle to understand our experience, or drift away as we develop healthier boundaries.

These losses can be painful and lonely, but they are not a reflection of our worth. Often they are a consequence of change and survival.

“So many friendships were damaged by his lies and manipulation. I felt the loss deeply. Letting go was painful, but I knew I needed to for my own peace of mind.”

Loss of victim status

This is a sensitive topic and is not about blame or minimising harm.

At some stages of recovery, identifying as a victim can feel validating and necessary. However, remaining in that identity indefinitely can sometimes limit growth. Trauma responses such as anxiety, low mood, and self-doubt are normal, but if they persist unchecked, they can prevent us from moving forward.

Recovery involves gradually rebuilding autonomy and taking ownership of our future. This does not mean forgetting what happened or excusing abuse. It means recognising that while we were not responsible for the abuse, we are responsible for shaping what comes next.

“For a long time I blamed him for almost everything that was wrong in my life. Eventually I realised that although he was responsible for the abuse, I was responsible for my future. Letting go of my victim identity was difficult, but it allowed me to see myself as a survivor.”

“You can either be a victim of your past, or a survivor of it.”
Eger (2020)

Loss of security and familiarity

One of the hardest parts of recovery is accepting that life has changed, often permanently. We naturally long for the familiarity and predictability we once knew, even when that life was unhealthy.

Growth requires us to accept uncertainty and embrace change. This can feel frightening after abuse, but each small step towards something new builds confidence and resilience.

“At first I grieved my old life. I missed the house, the community, even him. Everything felt unfamiliar. But over time I embraced the change. I’ve grown, made new friends, taken opportunities, and become far stronger than I ever imagined.”

Exercises and reflections

Acceptance and commitment exercise

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) encourages us to acknowledge painful feelings without allowing them to control our lives.

• Sit somewhere quiet and comfortable.
• Take a few slow breaths.
• Imagine a gentle stream flowing past.
• Place each loss on a leaf and watch it float away.
• Allow it to drift at its own pace.
• If the thought returns, place it on another leaf and let it pass again.
• Notice your thoughts without judging or fighting them.

Name and grieve losses

• List the losses you have experienced.
• Do not minimise them.
• Allow yourself to grieve through reflection, writing, talking, or crying.
• Prioritise self-care while grieving.
• Accept that grief is not linear.
• Consider whether any positive changes have emerged from the losses.
• Remember that letting go takes time.

“I knew all the strategies, but I couldn’t move forward until I allowed myself to grieve. I had to sit with the pain and fully acknowledge everything I had lost. I couldn’t skip straight to growth.

“There are still days when I fall back into that grief, but it no longer has the same power over me. I’m stronger than I was.”

“I grieved a man who never really existed, the future he promised me, and the love he never gave me.”

For more information, please check out my website – www.domesticabuses.com

My books –

One in Four Women – understanding men’s domestic abuse and violence against womenhttps://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739647912

Beyond the Break-up – understanding and surviving men’s domestic abuse and violence against women post-separation https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739647920

Beyond Survival – how women rebuild their lives after domestic abuse and experience post-traumatic growth https://amzn.eu/d/0fEvVD8Z

Published 8 June 2026