Why didn’t she tell anyone?

Women trapped in abusive relationships commonly tell absolutely no one of their suffering. Neither their closest friends nor their family – literally no one. If a woman feels she can’t tolerate the abuse any longer and makes a police complaint, or leaves, she might be discussing her abuse for the very first time. Her silence during the relationship is common, but little understood by those around her, especially those who believed they were close to her.

On 29th March 2020, the bodies of Kelly Fitzgibbons, her two daughters and the family dog were discovered in their home in West Sussex. The body of Robert Needham, partner of Kelly and father of 4 year old Ava and 2 year old Lexi was also discovered. It was established that Needham had murdered his family by shooting them before fatally shooting himself. This incident seemed to come as a terrible shock to those who knew Kelly well, particularly her father and twin sister. It became evident that she had never disclosed any previous abuse. 

The documentary, The Fitzgibbons – A Murder in the Family, gave an insight into  Kelly’s relationship with Needham in the run up to the murders. Although it wasn’t concluded that Kelly was being subjected to domestic abuse by Needham, many signs of his abusiveness were evident.

It seemed clear in text exchanges between the two that Needham was prone to anger and shouting. Kelly asked him in a message to be civil in front of the girls. She told him she dreaded coming home. She asked him not to bang the door and shout. In one message she told him she was getting out of his way because she could see how angry he was. In the month prior to the murders, Kelly messaged Needham suggesting they had a break.

Despite the common feeling of those around the family that Neeham was a devoted family man, a belief that Kelly didn’t contradict, worrying sides of his nature were revealed in the documentary. Needham had a long history of vulnerable mental health including suicidal ideation, he spent days away from the family leaving Kelly to manage the young girls alone, and he had a secret cocaine habit. There was not a huge amount of evidence to go on, but the murders, it seems, were likely to be the final terrible act of an escalation of domestic abuse. But Kelly told no one – not even her identical twin sister Emma who said of their relationship – “We use to speak to each other every single day” At the inquest into the murders, Emma said:  

“Rob absolutely adored the girls. Ava was a real daddy’s girl. Kelly had never told me Rob was violent towards her and the girls in any way…I thought life was good for Kelly and Rob and the girls.”

Life clearly wasn’t good for Kelly, but she didn’t share this information with anyone. There are many reasons for why women may be reluctant to disclose abuse. The reasons for maintaining their silence are varied and sometimes complex, however the most common reasons fall into the following categories:

She doesn’t recognise her partner’s behaviour as abusive

Domestic abuse isn’t always obvious. Abusers often use mind games, trickery and covert forms of abuse so that the survivor doesn’t understand why she feels so unhappy. This mental confusion and ‘gaslighting’ will make her doubt her own judgment and lack confidence in her decisions. When she feels this way, she may be less likely to tell others that she is being abused – because she hasn’t herself recognised that she is.

Added to this, her perpetrator may blame her for his abusiveness and she will often believe him and willingly accept this blame. Some level of self-blame is an almost inevitable feature of a woman’s experience of domestic abuse. As long as she feels that she may be at least partly to blame, she is less likely to recognise his abusiveness or complain about it to anyone else.

She is holding onto the dream of the relationship working out

Many women living with abuse are desperately clinging to the hope that their partner will positively change, that he’ll revert to the loving person he appeared to be in their courtship days. They may have children together and she might be unwilling to give up the fantasy of having the perfect family life. Those around her who are unaware of the dynamics that play out behind closed doors may reinforce the notion that her family life is ideal. This seemed to be particularly the case for Kelly Fitzgibbons – everyone around her appeared to believe they were the ideal couple and perfect family and she seemingly did nothing to dispel this myth. The intermittency of abuse and the occasional loving gestures will help to reinforce a survivors belief that her partner is capable of sustained kind and loving behaviour. So long as she holds onto  this hope, she will feel reluctant to tell anyone the reality of his abusiveness, mindful that if she did, she may be encouraged to leave.

She feels ashamed that she’s being abused

Domestic abuse is hugely stigmatised. Survivors are very often burdened with this stigma and feel deep shame for the abuse they’re being subjected to. It seems to be the case that the more serious the abuse is, the deeper the sense of shame and the greater the need to hide their abuse from others. She may wonder what’s wrong with her, she may wonder why aren’t others treated this way and conclude that perhaps there’s something lacking or unworthy about her to warrant such abuse. These feelings of shame may encourage her to hide her abuse from others, including those closest to her.

An intense sense of loyalty towards her abuser

When living with the perpetrator, a strong sense of loyalty, characterised by commitment, allegiance, faithfulness and support is generally required of survivors to keep themselves safe. Supporting him, obeying him and defending him become critical to keeping him calm. Criticising him to others becomes unthinkable – any breach of loyalty could be dangerous. She may even remain loyal to him inside her own head, very aware that any lack of loyalty might seep out in her behaviour and be perceived by him. She may feel safer blaming herself for the abuse than even considering that he may be at fault. Should the police knock on her door having been alerted by neighbours, it’s likely she will say anything to defend him –

  • “We just had a row, I started it”
  • “I tripped and banged my head, I screamed because it hurt”
  • “He’s never laid a finger on me, he’s a gentle giant”

She may give similar excuses to friends –

  • “He’s tired, he’s never normally like that”
  • “I wound him up and he snapped, it wasn’t his fault”
  • “He’s always so kind and caring, he’s just having a bad day”

The very idea of breaching this loyalty by making disclosures to anyone will seem too dangerous. She’d imagine how he’d react if he knew and wouldn’t dare. He holds the control and demands loyalty from her above all else and the concept of her breaching this loyalty is will seem unthinkable.

No one has taken the time to ask her

Disclosing domestic abuse is difficult. Survivors may not feel able to volunteer the information – they often need to be directly asked about the nature of their relationship in a caring and compassionate manner. They need to feel confident they won’t be blamed, judged or told what to do. They need to know that their disclosures will be treated in confidence, unless a serious safeguarding issue comes to light. They need to feel in control of what happens following their disclosure.

The reality is that many women suffering domestic abuse are not asked by others if they’re being abused, even when the signs are clearly there. Routine enquiry – asking clear and direct questions about possible abuse in a kind and compassionate manner should be encouraged in professionals who may frequently encounter survivors. Midwives are now expected to make these enquiries, whether or not they suspect abuse. Many professionals are reluctant to ask about abuse because they fear causing offence or wouldn’t know how to appropriately respond to a disclosure if it was made. However, when such questions are asked in a compassionate manner and from a position of concern, they will rarely offend. More training is needed, particularly amongst healthcare professionals so they feel able to ask the questions and provide an appropriate response to any disclosures.

Would Kelly Fitzgibbons have disclosed abuse if she’d been directly asked? We will never know, but perhaps there were missed opportunities that may have saved her and her children’s lives.

When survivors remain silent about their abuse, they are literally suffering in silence – this is hugely burdensome and will not allow opportunities for accessing support.

When there is a greater understanding of the reasons for a survivor’s silence, they are more likely to be treated in a way where disclosures are encouraged and positively supported so that the burden of having to suffer alone is lifted from them.

“To feel this pain and say nothing is the worst pain of all.”

Sandra Reddish

About the author

Sandra Reddish

Supporting and advocating for domestic abuse survivors is my life’s purpose. I am endlessly inspired by the strength, perseverance and hope so many women show in the face of often terrible circumstances. I will continue to use my expertise to do everything I can to empower women to survive and thrive following domestic abuse.