Trust

Susanna’s story

While running my first post-separation abuse course, one woman asked how she could ever trust another man again after everything she’d been through. I’m often asked this question by the women I support. I tended to fumble through an explanation that involved advice on looking for ‘red flags’, taking the relationship slow and being open to the opinions of friends and relatives. However on this occasion, Susanna, another woman on the course volunteered some advice – “I don’t think it’s so much about learning to trust other people, I realised that I needed to learn to trust myself again.”

I had another conversation with Susanna to learn more. Most of my expertise comes from the strong and resourceful women that I support and I never miss an opportunity to increase my understanding from them. When we spoke again, Susanna explained to me what she’d discovered with such insight and eloquence that I scribbled down every utterance as she was telling me. I realised that what she said was so valuable that I needed to incorporate this information into my book so that other women could benefit from her insights. This is what she explained to me:      

“Having been in an abusive marriage for 10 years and suffering post-separation coercive control around child contact (it’s ongoing), I wasn’t certain I could risk another intimate relationship, how could I trust any man again?

“I spent time considering this question and soon came to the realisation that I didn’t trust myself, it was me I needed to work on. It was my poor judgment that got me into the abusive relationship and I didn’t trust myself not to make another poor choice in future. The question I had to consider was – what did I need to do to trust my judgment again.

“I considered my boundaries and decided what would be non-negotiable in another relationship. These were the main non-negotiables that I felt certain I needed:

• I would not enter a relationship with someone who could be angry and had a temper.
• I would not enter a relationship with someone who couldn’t regulate their emotions.

“I felt that these boundaries were essential for keeping myself safe. My other boundaries which are important but on a lower level of importance are:

• I need to keep my financial independence in any future relationship.
• I need to keep my own home and not have a partner move in with me.

“All of these boundaries were of particular importance to me. My former partner, who is still abusing me around child contact, is a very angry man who would have explosive outbursts when we lived together. He was very poor at regulating his emotions. His abuse is a little more subtle now that we have separated, but I am triggered by sounds of shouting or angry outbursts. When he engaged me in a horrible argument and shouted at me, I had nowhere to escape to, nowhere to go so I was trapped in the house with him. It’s now so important for me that I have my own safe space.

“When I consider the question of how do I trust someone else, I realise that I can’t completely do this, it might not be possible. I have a new partner who is accepting of my boundaries and our relationship is very good, but I can’t predict what might happen in the future, nor can I control someone else’s life. But I can influence my own future by the choices that I make and I can control much of my own life.

“I trust myself, I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’m a different person now. I trust myself that if I saw red flags, I would respond appropriately.

“Before I met my current partner, I realised that I didn’t want to go into another relationship needing a relationship. I wanted to go into a relationship from a position of feeling whole, in control of myself and with nothing in my life missing. I believed that entering a relationship feeling that I needed the relationship was a recipe for co-dependency. When I reflect I can see that I went into my abusive relationship feeling needy, and in doing so I ignored some red flags because I badly wanted the relationship to work.

“My current partner can regulate his emotions, he doesn’t get angry and is comfortable with my insistence on living apart. I’m very aware of the dangers of feeling needy towards my partner. I don’t want to be thinking, “why aren’t you phoning, why aren’t you texting, why didn’t you ask to come and stay with me this evening?” If I think like this, and I sometimes do, I stop myself and consider, am I missing him, or is it a sense of security that I should be finding in myself? The last time I thought this was when he was away for a few days. I identified that I did miss talking to him, but also realised I was feeling insecure in myself. I went for a long walk and became aware that I am strong and I don’t need anyone else for security.

“What the awful last three years have taught me, (the time that I separated from my ex-husband when his abuse of me escalated) is that I am okay on my own. I survived, I thrived, I founds strengths I didn’t realise I had. If it all goes wrong with my new partner, I know I will cope and I already have my financial independence and the sanctuary of my home.

“Some people might see my boundaries as restrictive rather than liberating, but I see many benefits. I see benefits in not living together – I have more opportunities and I can do things on my own. I like to think that when I come together with my partner we come together as two wholes, rather than two halves who need one another to work well.

“I don’t think too far ahead, I try to stay in the present and focus on what I have now. But years down the line, my boundaries might change. I would have no problem committing to my partner but feel no need to marry him which I now consider to be just a legal and financial contract. I may be flexible and at some point in my life might consider living with my partner, but I imagine I would feel the need to keep my own home.

“I talk a lot with my partner. We keep communication very open. If I have an insecurity or a question, I will speak to him about it. We’re both working hard to understand each other. I feel I need to learn how to manage a relationship because of the past abuse. We had a conversation on how to have a healthy disagreement. All I’ve been used to is shouting, but my partner said he wouldn’t do that. He said we might use humour to resolve our disputes. This is such a departure from what I’m used to! We’ll keep learning, we’ll keep working it out.

“I realise that there are a lot of unknowns, and following abuse (although still suffering post-separation abuse), it is normal to want to keep yourself safe. I realise that in my new relationship I have taken a risk, but it is a calculated risk and with some boundaries for safety. If you put up barriers to protect yourself from the bad stuff, you’re also stopping the good stuff in life from getting through. I want to embrace life and live a full life. I’m always learning and growing stronger. Of course I wish I had never been abused, but I’m making more mindful choices now and developing greater strengths that I may otherwise not have accessed.”  

Discussion

Learning to trust yourself

“I spent time considering this question and soon came to the realisation that I didn’t trust myself, it was me I needed to work on. It was my poor judgment that got me into the abusive relationship and I didn’t trust myself not to make another poor choice in future…”  When Susanna said this to me, it immediately made me consider the subject of ‘victim blaming.’ Her words – ‘my poor choice’ made me want to defend her and tell her that nothing was her fault. But although her words may have been unnecessarily self-critical, she was clearly reflecting and understanding that she had the ability to do things differently in future, to put boundaries in place that would keep her feeling psychologically safe. Some people will say that survivors should never have to change themselves or their behaviour, that the onus should be on abusive men to make changes. While I agree with the principal of this, in reality, we have no control over what others do and most perpetrators are not seeking to improve their behaviour. We, however have full control over ourselves and we can choose to put boundaries in place that are self-protective.

Susanna believed she needed to learn to trust herself again in order to feel safe, rather than learning to trust another person. In my experience, most women tend to focus on how they might learn to trust another person again. Although the two areas of trust are interlinked, Susanna has control over her actions, her thoughts and her decisions, so it seems sensible for her to focus on what she is able to control and what she can do differently. She identifies that she may not be able to trust another person when she says – “When I consider the question of how do I trust someone else, I realise that I can’t completely do this, it might not be possible.”  

The importance of boundaries

“I considered my boundaries and decided what would be non-negotiable in another relationship…” Susanna demonstrates her need for putting boundaries in place to protect herself in the future. Boundaries aren’t acquired without effort, she spent time carefully considering what she felt that she needed to keep herself feeling psychologically safe, most notably avoiding being with an angry man who couldn’t regulate his own emotions. She didn’t consider her prospective new partner in all of this, he was irrelevant at this point, she was solely focused on herself and her needs. To have considered him would not have been appropriate and may have compromised her boundaries. She spoke about non-negotiable boundaries that her prospective partner would have to be willing to accept, if he didn’t, presumably the relationship would not progress. Labelling them as ‘non-negotiable reinforces their importance, Susanna is more likely to maintain them having identified how important they are to her.

The difference between barriers and boundaries

“If you put up barriers to protect yourself from the bad stuff, you’re also stopping the good stuff in life from getting through…” I’ve worked with many women who’ve become so focused on keeping themselves safe when they’ve been abused, that they’ll stay at home, stop socialising, limit social contacts and only venture out when this is essential. This may seem to them to be the best thing they can do to stay safe, but in reality, living like this is often associated with low mood, anxiety, low self-esteem and  everyday tasks such as food shopping can become overwhelmingly difficult. Living like this is effectively putting a barrier up. As well as trying to be self-protective, barriers stand in the way of living a fully and happy life, they stop the ‘good stuff’ in life from getting through. There is a big difference between a boundary and a barrier.

Boundaries can come with positives

“Some people might see my boundaries as restrictive rather than liberating, but I see many benefits…” This makes me think of the analogy of car seatbelts. They could be considered restrictive in that they stop free movement, however they have benefits in terms of keeping the wearer safe in an accident. Susanna sees positives in her boundaries beyond them keeping her safe. Many aspects of life are neutral, neither positive nor negative, it’s the spin we put on them and how we choose to perceive them that makes them good or bad. Susanna tends to have a positive focus so she is inclined to see the benefits of her boundaries.  

Living mindfully

“I don’t think too far ahead, I try to stay in the present and focus on what I have now.” Mindfully focusing on the present is generally a good strategy. None of us can predict the future, and much of it we have no control over either. When women have suffered abuse, it’s common for them to focus on the future and entertain hypothetical worries – these are worries that generally never happen, but in any case we have little control over these future fears. Focusing on the present and striving to appreciate and feel gratitude, however hard this may sometimes be, is far more beneficial than making anxious predictions about the future. Sometimes we need to remember this and take back control of our thoughts.    

Avoiding dependency

”I wanted to go into a relationship from a position of feeling whole, in control of myself and with nothing in my life missing. I believed that entering a relationship feeling that I needed the relationship was a recipe for co-dependency.” Abusive men encourage dependency, seeking to dismantle everything in their partners’ life so she only has him and is completely dependent upon him. Susanna is very aware of the need to feel whole, self-reliant and of wanting her partner rather than needing him, there is an important difference. “I don’t want to be thinking, “why aren’t you phoning, why aren’t you texting, why didn’t you ask to come and stay with me this evening?” She’s aspiring to a high level of emotional independence which may seem unattainable to many women, but it’s the polar opposite of the dependence that’s encouraged by abusive men. Susanna’s boundaries of maintaining financial independence and her own home provide her with further independence and the protection she has identified that she needs. 

Posttraumatic growth

“Of course I wish I had never been abused, but I’m making more mindful choices now and developing greater strengths that I may otherwise not have accessed.” Susanna had clearly suffered trauma during her abusive marriage and beyond. In her case, the trauma appears to have triggered her to re-evaluate her life, her boundaries, her choices and her future relationships. She acknowledges that she has developed new strengths – “I trust myself, I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’m a different person now.”This demonstrates just how much Susanna has developed in her recovery. This personal development has not happened despite the abuse, rather because of the abuse. The abuse she was subjected to has been a catalyst for change and personal growth. We often refer to this sort of personal growth as ‘posttraumatic growth.’

Some people appear to thrive following trauma and turn their crisis into a positive transformation. It seems that trauma can encourage a re-think, a reinvention, an appreciation and a different perspective. Trauma has been particularly associated with the following areas of personal growth:

• A new appreciation of life and greater optimism
• A clear sense of life’s purpose
• Improved and strengthened personal relationships
• Increased feelings of compassion and altruism
• Acknowledgement of personal strengths and greater use of them
• Spiritual growth

It’s important to acknowledge that not everyone will experience posttraumatic growth. It might seem insensitive to suggest that good might come from terrible and traumatic experiences – there is a risk of minimising a survivors pain and suffering. Many survivors will suffer trauma that is difficult to recover from and will never lead to growth. That said, it’s important for women to be familiar with the phenomena of posttraumatic growth because when we know that something is possible, we are more likely to strive for it and attain it. Trauma is generally viewed as a wholly negative experience, but we increasingly understand that this is not always the case.

To turn adversity into positive change, it seems necessary to fully consider and explore our thoughts, feelings and emotions around the traumatic event in a flexible way. We need to face what has happened and be curious about it. Talking about our traumatic event, reading about similar events and journaling our thoughts are all activities more likely to lead to posttraumatic growth. Recovery is an active process that we need to engage in as Susanna has done, even when this is painful and difficult.

If you have found this blog helpful, please use the links below to find my books on Amazon.

One in Four Women – understanding men’s domestic abuse and violence against womenhttps://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739647912

Beyond the Break-up – understanding and surviving men’s domestic abuse and violence against women post-separation https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739647920

Published 25 February 2024